Rant: Corporate Jargon And Annoying Meetings

Don’t get me wrong, I like my corporate foibles as much as the next office drone. But on days like today, (caffeine withdrawal in an attempt to embrace a healthier lifestyle) my tolerance goes down to zilch. Or maybe I've sat in so many meetings and conference calls that I've developed mental allergies to corporate BS.

I'd love to know the psychology behind herd-like business behavior: Does using acronyms make us feel smarter? Or is it a sense of belonging since companies like to think they have created their own "dictionary"? Buzzwords are picked up faster than a high street dress photographed on Kate Middleton.

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More than the jargon it's also the behavior. Have you noticed how we all copy each other? Especially in meetings and on conference calls. It's like our vocabulary shrinks to only a few words and we all start our presentations and questions with the same expressions, body language and jokes (or attempts to joke).

Here’s my peeve list and what I think these expressions really mean:
“Quick question.” It’s NEVER quick!
“Let’s make this interactive.” When you hear this, get ready to be killed by PowerPoint and video.
“How can my team help you?” Generally, this comes from people trying to justify their existence in the organization AND make themselves seem helpful. If you really needed them, chances are you both know how they can help you and therefore the question is not required.
“We need to work closely …” As companies get bigger and more matrixed, this question is often the prelude to a whole bunch of people getting involved in everything and sending accountability flying out the window.
“Let’s move on from this point in the interest of time.” I love it when people say this, it usually means that this topic doesn’t fit their agenda and they won’t waste their time answering you.
“I will go on mute”. Heheh, this is where you know a person (including yours truly) will stop listening to a conference call.
“I will go over this point very quickly.” If only I could claim back the time I lost sitting in presentations where people said this then went on and on for centuries. See point 1: it’s NEVER quick.
“I am aware that I’m the only thing standing between you and lunch”. The first person who said this in a presentation must have been funny, but by now this expression is sooooo tired. Find another joke if you’re in a comedic mood.
“Good morning, good afternoon or good evening no matter where you are in the world”. We get it, people have dialed into this conference call/webinar from all over the world, hardly a first. Why don’t you just say hello and get going?

-- End Of Rant ;)

Please feel free to add your own h8ted expressions.